


The Babysitter

by midnightsharks



Series: A Family Affair [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Body mutilation, Dark Humor, M/M, Smoking, creepy children, mentions of mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 01:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14884946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsharks/pseuds/midnightsharks
Summary: While Percival is cooped up in his house due to medical leave, Galahad leaves his alien brood to his care so he can spend quality time with his husband.





	The Babysitter

**Author's Note:**

> This is a drabble from Family Affair fic (mpreg hartwin tentacle noncon fic).
> 
> I've posted this on my Tumblr blog and I'm putting it here just in case.

The thing was Percival owed Galahad a favor and on one fine morning, the agent knocked on the door of his house to collect his due.

“Good morning, Alastair.” Harry said all too brightly when Percival partially opened the door.

There was nothing remotely good about the morning. Percival got shot on his last mission, his arm bound up in a cast and then mandated to take a whole month of home rest. His husband was still dead and his daughter,Roxy, was on a high risk mission somewhere in South Africa.

Plus there was now Harry. Percival opened the door to see the Hart girls smiling at him. He narrowed his eyes at Harry. It only took a second for him to put two and two together but he was hoping it was not the case.

“Eggsy and I would need some time together. Alone.” Harry declared.  _Fuck._  Percival was right: He would be babysitting Harry’s alien brood.

“The girls would be staying with you for a week to keep you company.” Leave it to Harry to make it sound like  _HE_  was the one doing him a favor.

In less than an hour, the girls settled in Alastair’s house. Harry was rattling off instructions on how to handle the girls and alien survival tips. "I don’t like the word ‘aliens’.” Harry said in distaste. "It sounds racist.”

Alastair merely raised his brows knowing that yesterday  _politically correct_  Galahad over here massacred an entire cartel just because he had a bit of a domestic at home.

From what he overhead–-okay eavesdropped because he’s a spy and bored from medical recuperation –- on the conversation between Harry and Merlin, Eggsy’s mum doesn’t like Harry that much because he’s not that ‘shiny’ and that her son could have chosen a better life partner. _‘She had two billion children and had the nerve to focus on one just because Eggsy married me.’_ Harry griped.

On the first four hours, the girls were very much well behaved.

Then Georgina ate a candle.

Alastair quickly consulted Harry’s list when the girl levitated around the room with a lighted candle melting on her face.

“She’s not allergic to candles, is she? ” Alastair asked Xetoclax when he couldn’t find anything relevant to the situation at hand.

“George’s bored.” The other sibling muttered ,not bothering to look up from her reading.

“Right. How about we watch a movie? ” He pulled out their DVD collection and picked something from Disney.

Alastair can’t help it. He wasn’t really Mr. Entertainment. When Roxy was young, it was James who made them laugh.

So they watched Little Mermaid, while Georgina floated around the room. “ She could have just drowned Eric and made him pregnant from the start.” Xetoclax muttered when the end credits rolled.

“ That’s what Dad did and it all went fine.” Harriet agreed.

The children then turned to Alastair for his opinion.

“Weeeeeeeellll”, he stretched that word for as long as he could and thought of answers that would not give reason for their parents to murder him,“ if Ariel drowned Eric, he would have been dead and they can’t have children anymore.”

“ I don’t think mermaids have tentacles .” Xetoclax explained to Harriet.

“ Mermaids aren’t real.” Alastair said before he realized his mistake when he saw their disappointed faces. Children should be free to fantasize and given enough time to play before being exposed to the harsh realities of life.

“ Too bad ,” Harriet mused, “ I would have skinned one.”

\---

Alastair prided himself to be a man of utmost propriety and unflappable demeanor. But dealing with the Hart brood was a balancing act of practicality and horror, akin to walking on a tightrope in the middle of an earthquake.

For example, he had never cleaned up this amount of blood not even during his most violent missions.

Skirmishes amongst siblings were normal. Severed limbs and bitten off faces were not.

With his arm in a cast, Alastair tried to stop their fighting by screaming, blocking and putting the girls in separate rooms.

The operative word was ' _tried'_. They evaded him by crawling over the walls and the ceiling. Their speed and agility was preternatural. With shrill shrieks, they bared their sawlike teeth at each other .

Georgina made a mess on the walls and carpet when Harriet impaled her with scissors. Xetoclax was trapped and burning inside the oven.

Both of Harriet’s arms were torn out.

And this was just over who gets to have the last cupcake.

When things literally calmed down and after looking over Harry’s list, he drained the water of his backdoor pool and refilled it with tap water.

All the while, the girls were giggling. Laughing and making fun of each others distorted faces and bodies.

They jumped into the pool, taking their severed appendages with them.

In just one day, Alastair’s neat and orderly home transformed into a slasher film scene.

He finished his cleanup by nightfall.

Exhausted, Alastair sat on a folded chair by the pool, bringing out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He had quit a few years before.

The pool was red with the girls floating peacefully face down.

He lit a stick and breathed in the smoke to block the overwhelming sharp tang of blood.

The only fortunate thing was his neighbors were on vacation overseas.

\---

Day two was promising.

There was a prank call but nothing to be too alarmed about. Not with other pressing matters such as keeping his sanity and safety around the children.

Lucky enough, Alastair made a quick inventory and realized that despite yesterday’s carnage, none of his things were broken.

They had breakfast. It was a picturesque setting: The girls were mended and dressed neatly while he served pancakes sans sugar –-because it was the devil’s crack for children, human or otherwise.

“ Uncle Al,” Harriet asked,“ where’s your family?”

“ My daughter,Roxy, is out of town working. ” There was a pause and Alastair looked up from his meal, curious at their silence.

“ That can’t be all of your family.” Xetoclax argued.

Alastair was mollified. It still hurt to refer James in past terms but he should not give an impression that he was ashamed to talk about his loss.

“ I had a husband but he passed away. His name was James.” He admitted.

The girls stilled, petrified in shock. He was about to voice his concerns when they screamed and made distressed clacking noises on the throats while babbling altogether.

“You’re still alive!”

“ How did you manage to live! It must hurt so much.”

“ How did you not die?!”

They crowded on him and gave him awkward pats to comfort him.

Perhaps it was because of his pent up emotions, the length of time that he delayed his mourning –-moving to immediate action of replacing his husband with Roxy for the Lancelot title, saving the world and fixing it to a manageable order-– and the excessive ways his extraterrestrial wards expressed their condolences that Alastair broke down and gave in to his grief.

He would have to bribe them later not to tell Harry of this incident.

One of the girls climbed on his lap and grabbed his face to suck on his closed eye.

“ What are you doing?” He guessed it was Georgina.

“I’ll remove your tears, Uncle Al. ” Georgina stopped and mumbled, “No more tear ducts.”

“ No thank you.” Alastair quickly recovered and placed Georgina on her seat and pointed at the girls to follow suit.

“No.” He repeated empathatically.

\---

Despite his assurances that he was fine, they still looked at him like he was about to drop dead at any second.

They came to his bed at night pitch dark in their true forms, staring at him . Alastair roused from his slumber to see unblinking bright luminescent orbs, their inhuman shapes weighing down on him.

“ We will watch over you, Uncle.” Their voices echoed. Soft and raspy like dried grass over the clicks of their mandibles.

“ We will eat death if it comes for you."They declared.

Alastair thought it was sweet of them and slept through the night while they chanted threats on the grim reaper.

\---

All in all, he and the children were getting along just fine. After today, they would be picked up by Harry.

He was out to buy bread when he got a call from Merlin.

One of the assassins from his last mission managed to track and locate his residence. It was Murrel. A man so skilled and dangerous that he managed to incapacitate Percival to escape.

Alastair realized the clue of the prank call in hindsight and went back home.

He opened the door and scoped the perimeter. He was out for an hour and the house was in disarray.

There was no sign of the girls.

In the dining area was the assassin sitting and staring at him expectantly. Before Murrel could stand up, Percival flicked his pistol and shot him neatly between his eyes.

The assassin stared in confusion. After a second so did Alastair.

Then like an actor that missed his cue, the supposed-to-be-dead assassin looked sheepish then slunk down from his chair and clumsily sat on the floor to lie down.

Alastair sighed.

"Girls! ” he called out.

Murrel’s corpse twitched and three buglike amphibious creatures broke out and chattering and waving their tiny spikes in agitation.

“ It was an accident.”

“He shot Xetoclax.”

“Bad man! Bad man! Bad man!!!!”

He should not be encouraging this. What would their parents think? Actually, scratch that. Percival recalled what Harry was like pre and post A.P. (Alien Probing) .

He ordered them to pose by the mangled body and took a picture with his phone. He took another shot because Xetoclax complained that one of her eyes were shut.

Alastair sent the picture with a quick caption to Harry.

True to his guess, Harry was ecstatic and wanted the corpse to be preserved for posterity.

\---

When Harry returned to pick up the girls, he was with his husband. They were happy, glowing and stinking what Percival hoped was not E.T. jizz.

Harriet and Xetoclax hugged their sire, Eggsy, while Harry wrangled Georgina to put on her skin before they go outside.

Strange as they were, they have endeared themselves to Percival.

The Hart family bid their goodbyes and Alastair shut his door and returned to his quiet orderly life.


End file.
